✍️By Shabana Shabdeez
In the current circumstances, the only thing we can do for Afghan women is to document and share what we have seen with our own eyes — yet refrained from saying or writing — because speaking about such topics has always been taboo in Afghan society. As a result, women have become victims of countless forms of violence at every level of society.
I believe that addressing women, their condition, and the issues they face — even in the harshest of situations — does not necessarily require complicated theories and narratives from the feminist school of thought. Even simple, authentic, and experiential storytelling can shed light on the controversial aspects of women’s lives today.
When we speak of women, we speak of them in all dimensions of society — from the female worker to the female employer, from the family to the public sphere, from rural to urban communities.
In addition, in the geographical context where the “chapter of women” has expanded, a woman in migration and exile faces her own struggles and dilemmas as well.
In this discussion, I want to focus on documented accounts of women who have been subjected to sexual assault — wanted or unwanted, conscious or unconscious — by their husbands.
Introduction:
According to the UN definition of violence against women, any act of gender-based violence that threatens a woman’s physical, sexual, or psychological safety and well-being, resulting in harm to a woman or girl, constitutes violence.
This definition categorizes violence into three groups: physical, sexual, and psychological — each with its own subcategories.
Studies on violence against women reveal broad patterns and dimensions, which vary across countries and societies. Therefore, we cannot assume that the manifestations of violence in one society fully apply to another; we need to explore the unspoken dimensions of violence in our own society.
Sexual Violence:
Sexual violence is defined as engaging in sexual relations without consent, by force or coercion, carried out by anyone, anywhere, against a woman.
This form of violence includes two groups of perpetrators:
First group: Husbands and sexual partners, who — either due to their awareness of the violent nature of their actions, or their ignorance of a woman’s sexual desires — force themselves on women without consent, impose unilateral demands during intercourse, and neglect the woman’s needs. These behaviors constitute sexual violence.
Second group: Other perpetrators who, for various reasons, engage in overt sexual assault against women.
Interpretation:
Because Afghanistan is a religious and traditional country, patriarchy and violence against women have historically been normalized. Women have often accepted the violence inflicted by male family members, viewing it as the man’s responsibility — even their own duty — which is deeply toxic and painful.
This false belief in the responsibility of men and women perpetuates a cycle in which women, driven by religious fear of punishment and conditioned to “serve” their husbands, raise daughters who are shy, obedient, and accepting of violence, and sons who become abusive and violent.
Where does this acceptance stem from? That is a larger discussion beyond our current topic.
However, sexual violence — which exists in many societies — has reached alarming levels in Afghanistan, yet is almost never spoken about, except in rare cases of non-partner sexual assault, which too is often hidden due to fear of social repercussions.
The NGOs that have worked for decades on women’s capacity-building in Afghanistan have spent vast amounts of money on combating violence against women. Yet they have never directly addressed awareness of the female body, sexual nature (orgasm, sex, sexual relations), nor have they initiated conversations about sexual violence, examined its roots, and sought solutions.
It is undeniable that in traditional societies, matters of the body — female or male — are taboo. From a traditional perspective, men are seen as the rightful rulers of sexual relations: “Women are men’s fields.”
Women see themselves as primarily responsible for satisfying their husband’s lust and desire. Thus, often when they feel no desire for intercourse, they derive no pleasure from it but repeatedly submit to their husband’s wishes as a duty, unknowingly experiencing marital rape.
It is rare for a woman in Afghanistan to have her husband seek her consent out of respect for her sexual desire. Most women are taken to bed without foreplay, without even a kiss or caress, and raped — without realizing they have the right to enjoy pleasure equally.
And how many women have ever wondered, amidst countless rapes by their husbands, whether they have ever even reached orgasm?
Because the man dictates the terms, whenever he feels desire, he initiates intercourse without considering his wife’s condition or mental state — because women are too ashamed to talk about sex and intimacy, having been stripped of the self-esteem they deserve.
This inherited mindset starts when young girls are kept ignorant about sex because parents instill in them the belief that speaking or knowing about such matters is shameful and immodest.
From my conversations with many women across all segments of society, I concluded:
Most women are repeatedly and forcibly subjected to sexual harassment and violence by their husbands without regard for their own wishes. In many areas, husbands only approach their wives during sex; real-life accounts reveal men approaching their wives in the dark, then leaving as soon as they finish.
Among the painful stories:
One woman I met — let’s call her “Darya” — had bruises on her face and around her mouth. I asked what happened. She said:
“I didn’t want to have sex with my husband, so he beat me with his fists and kicked me until I submitted, and he reached orgasm. Then he sneered as if this was his right and not violence.”
Another, “Baran,” was forced into child marriage at her family’s insistence, without her consent.
After her wedding, when asked by classmates about her wedding night, she blushed and said, trembling:
“It was so painful. I fainted from the bleeding after he forced himself on me using vaseline. Don’t ever get married.”
We cried for her that day.
We attended school, but we were never taught about sex or our bodies. Only later, after university, did we read and learn about our desires and bodies.
There are countless Barans and Daryas who endure sexual violence in its simplest and most complex forms.
Men, unaware that a woman’s pleasure is her right and that sex is a mutual act, continue to impose themselves without considering whether their partner is willing.
As we’ve seen so far, sex and sexuality remain taboo subjects in Afghanistan. Women and men alike know little about the quality and pleasure of sex and have never reflected on it deeply.
Summary:
Sex and sexuality must be discussed more openly in traditional, developing societies so that the ice can break, and both men and women become more aware. Men need to understand that sex, orgasm, and the sexual body are not just about their own pleasure.
In Afghanistan, parents often go to great lengths — selling land, homes, livestock — to marry off their sons just to satisfy their sexual needs. But this notion of “marriage to satisfy sexual needs” is itself violence.
Once married, the husband sees it as his right to rape his wife whenever he wishes, disregarding her pleasure — the consequences of which for family, children, and society are profound and deserve separate discussion.
Meanwhile, families never address the sexual needs of their daughters or make any effort to facilitate them. Very traditionally, if a suitor comes, the girl is married off, and the same cycle of sexual violence continues, with the woman remaining ignorant of orgasm and expected to keep bedroom matters secret, leaving daughters ignorant as well — perpetuating the cycle.
Sexual violence is a highly controversial issue that occurs more frequently in Islamic societies, where men, as kings of the sexual realm and the active party, have consistently imposed sexual oppression on women.
Women, like so many other inherited beliefs, have accepted it quietly, while men, without ever seeking their wives’ satisfaction, have entrenched and reinforced these behaviors.
Therefore, to achieve healthy sexual relations and raise emotionally stable children, I see an urgent need for scientific and academic discussions about sex, sexual relations, and orgasm — so we can change the harmful clichés that have persisted for generations and save women from their husbands’ assaults, so that at least we will no longer witness violence against women in the bedroom.
